Six Bisexual Men Speak About Erasure, Biphobia and More
Bisexual men make up a significant share of the LGBTQ community, but remain deeply misunderstood.
Bisexual people represent the largest segment of the LGBTQ population in the United States. Despite this, bi men remain among the least visible and most stigmatized people in the queer community, with many presumed to be either closeted gay men or basically straight. And according to a 2017 survey, only 19% of bisexuals are out to “all or most” of the important people in their lives compared to 75% of gays and lesbians.
To better understand how this manifests for these men in their day-to-day lives, Uncloseted Media convened a panel of six bisexual guys from across the country.
Watch the full interview above or read the transcript here:
Spencer Macnaughton: Hi, everyone. I am here today with a panel of six bisexual men from across the United States. All thank you so much for chatting with me and Uncloseted Media today.
Makwa Flores: Thanks for having me.
Speaker ?: Thanks for having us on.
SM: Great, yeah, so we’ll get right into it. I feel like there’s so little coverage of bisexual folks and I wanna first ask: When did you first realize you were bi?
Matthew Pointer (he/him): Yeah, I’d say definitely being sure of it when I was 14. But before that, I can remember watching TV and seeing like tom girl, tomboy women and like butch women and really, really liking that and not really understanding why. And then years later? That makes sense now. Okay. Yeah.
Ty Beaver (he/him): I was not straight, probably as young as nine or 10. I had no way of explaining what that was at that time. I know in retrospect that’s what I was because I dated girls, I had relationships with girls and I enjoyed those relationships, but I always looked at men. I interpreted it as “oh I want to be like them,” because they had the physique I wanted, or they had that confidence that I wanted. But that wasn’t all that I wanted, also just to be close to them in general. And once I realized that I was probably queer, whether that was bi or gay, I was mortified. I was terrified of that. And so I spent most of my life suppressing it. And then I actually kind of came out when I was 40, about this time three years ago, to my wife. And I’ve been gradually coming out more and more ever since.
SM: And are you still with your… as a bisexual man?
TB: Yes. Yes, I am with my wife. We are still active in the bedroom. We have two kids. We care greatly for each other. She has been very accepting of who I am. There are things that we’ve had to work through, but I could not have been more fortunate. And my mental health, which I had struggled with for most of my life, has never been better. Yeah, it’s been really important.
Micha Kirsch-Ito (he/they/we): I’ve been bisexual longer than I’ve been out as being trans. I’ve been bi for like 15 years now. I literally at 13 had a dream and Sandra Oh came to me. I had never seen Grey’s Anatomy before. Sandra Oh, came to me and I met her on the beach and we kissed in the dream. Then I literally woke up and said, “Am I bi?” Then I was like, I’m going to have to sleep on that and went back to bed. From that point onward at such a young age, I felt like I got such an opportunity to know myself.
SM: Super interesting. Axel?
Mawka Flores (they/them, he/him): I got bullied really bad for being one of the only brown kids in a sundown town. And so they would gather around me, and it was the 90s, so using the f-slur and calling somebody gay was like the worst thing in the world. And then I realized in about middle school, sixth grade, “oh shit, they’re right. I do like guys, oh, shit, I do, like girls.” And so I went up to my girlfriend and I was like. “Would you hate me if I said I had a crush on your ex-boyfriend?” And she was like, “no, he’s hot. So you’re bi?” And I was like “yeah.” And she’s like, “that’s extra hot. You two should date. I’m breaking up with you. Go date my boyfriend.”
Peter Hill (he/him): So apparently I’m the elder in here, born in ‘77, grew up in the 80s and the 90s. As I got into adolescence, I realized that I was attracted to boys as well. And at that time there was kind of like a one drop rule, I think, where, if you’re attracted to dudes, you must be gay. And so I was like, I must be gay, and was mortified about that and terrified about that. And in 1995, when I was a junior, Newsweek published a front page story called something like “Bisexuality: The New Frontier, The New Sexuality.” And so I was like, “that is, I guess, what I am.” But I didn’t really acknowledge the male attraction side for a very very long time. And at some point, just getting into the 2000s, I think I subconsciously made the decision, “look, I can go either way with this, but my life is going to be a lot easier, and I want children if I marry a woman.” So I met my future wife in 2005, had two children. My wife and I ended up getting a divorce in the late 2010s, and I was so shattered. I was so heartbroken that for quite a while I just couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. And then after a while I was like, “For what? Why am I gonna be a monk? I have this whole side of me that I never explored.” For the next five years, I call them my hoe years. I sort of lived my life backwards because I was always just a monogamist when I was young. And I had a very, very high number of partners. And then I met my current partner who I’ve been with for a few years. He’s a guy. And now I live with him here in Phoenix.
SM: Love it, super interesting. And I’m curious about your guys’ identifying as bisexual men. I’m a gay guy who lives in Hell’s Kitchen. I see biphobia manifest. So I’m curious about the kinds of the stigma you guys encounter as bi men today in 2025.
MP: When I’m out or whatever, I’m not unaware that I’m straight passing, but sometimes I’ll wear a bi pride bracelet. I bedazzled my license plate holder in bi pride rhinestone colors. To me, it’s like, I don’t know what more I can do. But I’ve been to gay bars and clubs with friends and stuff like that and they’d be like “Oh who brought the straight friend?” And I’m like “What are you talking about? I was on my knees 20 minutes ago. What more do I have to do?” Because it is a constant thing and it has been an issue to a point that one of my best friends gave me a card that I keep in my wallet that says “you are queer enough.” Because I’ve had these experiences so much that, ironically, not queer enough for the queer crowd, but the opposite also being true of being too queer to be around straight folks and stuff like that. And there’s definitely a one drop rule. I used to, when I was an angrier person, really get upset about the double standard with bisexual girls. A girl can be in college and do nothing but have sex with girls in college, graduate, and she can go back and start dating men, get married and it’s fine. But a guy sucks one dick and he’s a fag for life.
SM: That’s so interesting because I have a lot of women friends who hooked up with other women in college and it’s exactly that. And I know a few guys who have divulged to me that they might’ve gotten one blowjob in a car 10 years ago. But I’m the only person who knows. They won’t tell anyone else because of, I think that what you just described, Matthew, is that stigma. James, wanna get you in the mix. Any thoughts here?
James Oden (he/him): Well, I had a long-standing poly relationship. There were a few times where my female partners encouraged me if I was interested to try to find a guy that I liked. I leaned towards enjoying the effeminate. So they were typically very out and proud gay men, and they’re lovely people. But it was like the, the equivalent of… there’s like a strange inversion of the gold star lesbian phenomenon, right? Like I had been with women and so therefore I was poisoned in that regard. Even though they were like, “in every other way, you’re great. You’re wonderful. You’re a gentleman. You’re sweet and blah, blah, but.” And I’m like, “Ow!”
SM: And James, tell me how they finished but, like what was the but there?
JO: Usually a very crude series of words about the feminine anatomy and how disgusting it was to them. And it’s like, okay, I understand. I’m not asking you to be interested in women. But it doesn’t make me toxic and they treated me like it made me toxic.
SM: That’s really interesting. And is the reverse true too? Do you find that some gay guys will hyper-sexualize you because you’ve been with many women?
TB: That’s been… I am married to my wife. We are open. I had a boyfriend for a number of months. I still see a couple of different guys on a kind of friends with benefits situation. But on the app, sometimes guys would hit me up and they seemed like nice guys and I was attracted to them and everything. And they would realize that not only am I married, but I have kids and that would really seem to turn them on, like “you’ve actually made someone pregnant.” And I’m just like, “yeah, yeah I have.” And that, it was a weird kind of feeling to get that kind of experience. But kind of speaking to, people point out like once you’ve sucked one dick, you’re gay. I’ve also experienced that kind of on the other side in that especially among eldergay men, I’ve encountered a lot of them who also came out later in life and now they identify fully as gay. And we’ll be in social groups or in support groups and there’d be a new member come in and he’s early in coming out or really going through some struggles. Maybe he’s married, maybe he’s in a long-term relationship with a woman. And there would just be those snide comments like “oh, well he’ll figure out he’s gay eventually.” So this whole concept that when you’re bi you’re like “oh this meant to be an easier transition to just being gay.” Even among…
SM: A stepping stone.
TB: Yeah, it’s a stepping stone. The stepping stone thing. You hear that motif constantly. But I still am attracted to my wife. And so it bothers me that some people would maybe question my loyalty to my wife, not just because we’re poly and we’re open, but just because I am interested more in men. And they’re like, “you must not really. I mean, you don’t do it with any other women.” I’m like, “no, I don’t. But I love my wife.”
SM: What are some of the consistent things that people just feel like they have carte blanche to say to you as a bi person that you find offensive?
MP: You come out at a party or something. Or I don’t even need to come out, I’ll just mention something , or it’ll be obvious or something like that. And immediately somebody’s asking about threesomes. That’s always the first thing out of people’s mouth. And then depending on who they are, it’s going to be “which do you like more?” And then any time there’s older gay guys it’s going to be like “oh well you’ll figure it out eventually.”
MK: I think something that other folks have mentioned that is ringing true in my heart is this weird gender essentialism that comes up. I can be at the bar minding my business and someone will like tap tap tap on my shoulder and then if I express to them that I’m bisexual, the follow-up question is “Great, so what combination of things have you done with what combination of your bodies and others?” And it’s like, why would I give you my full sexual history when I’m just trying to get a little tequila soda at the bar? When people find out that I’m bisexual, it feels like carte blanche to get my full sexual history for their discernment, judgment, entertainment, whatever they want it to be.
JO: I still have had people tell me “it’s just a phase because you’re only interested in guys for attention.” And I have had some really inappropriate and wild questions off the cuff from women actually more than men.
SM: What kind of questions do they ask?
JO: Oh, the one I’ve heard the most, I think, of all the questions I’ve ever gotten is “What’s it like?” “What do you mean, what’s it like?” “Well, you know, getting your dick sucked with all that facial hair.” And I’m like, “why? I don’t even really know you, why are you asking me this?”
SM: Right. It’s uncomfortable. And I think it’s really interesting because I feel like what everyone is saying is there’s this assumption that you’re A, an open book and B, slutty. Is that fair?
JO: Pardon my language, but we’re treated like a fucking sideshow.
SM: Why? So that’s a really interesting sentiment that I’m sensing other people are maybe hinting at. I still don’t understand why. Why do you think bisexual people perhaps more than gay and lesbian people are still treated like, James, as you say, a side show?
JO: Pop culture. Because in pop culture, gay media, gay men are typically very flamboyant, and then straight men are very masculine and all that. But if you get somebody who’s like apparent masculine like I am, but I have some traits about me that might be construed the other way, if I was a character in a pop culture series, I would be considered the weird one. Because I’m not aligning either way.
SM: And what do you think, like obviously I’d be remiss not to bring up Heated Rivalry. And Ilya, the character, is bisexual. I don’t know if anyone’s seen this.
MP: Oh, is he? Because they didn’t say that word in six episodes. So I was so pissed.
SM: I haven’t seen it Matt, Tell me why you’re pissed about that show. Tell me.
MP: Because he is bisexual. They show him with men and women. He talks, he says the words “I like both,” but they never say the word. It was really upsetting.
SM: Why does that make you so upset?
MP: By not saying the word, which is the perfect descriptor of his sexuality as he admits himself, it’s still like bisexual isn’t real. It’s just, “oh, I like both.” Like some quirky little thing that only Ilya is the only person ever, is the the only guy ever to “oh I like both.” But because everybody is like, “oh, is he straight or gay, straight or gay?” It’s like, there’s the other option. And believe me, I have been all over Heated Rivalry on Instagram with the girlies about like, “yeah, oh what a date a gay guy so bad.” Like, there is another option! We’re out here!
SM: So you felt it was bi erasure on Heated Rivalry? That they were by not saying the word bisexual out loud?
MP: Absolutely.
SM: Interesting. And talk to me, bi erasure is a term that I think a lot of people are familiar with.
PH: I do think a lot of people think in binaries, whether they’re queer, whether they’re straight. I think the erasure part of it is that you hear about men cheating on their wives with a dude or something. And the assumption is always, “oh, he’s gay. He’s a closeted gay guy.” And gay men often make that assumption, straight people often make that assumption, women often make that assumption, that’s just the default. And that’s what I mentioned earlier about the… maybe instead we should call it the one dick rule. So I think the binary of it all is partially convenience, it’s partially erasure even though it’s been over 30 years since that Newsweek article.
SM: Do you guys think that bi erasure could in part be fueled by gay and straight people seeing bi people as a threat to their own identities? Is part of that at play at all?
TB: The term bisexual is in and of itself such a nebulous term that really is unique to any person claiming to use it. We live in the gray and people hate that. It’s really hard for people to accept that we live in the gray.
PH: They talk about the bi-cycle, right? I don’t know if you’ve heard that term, Spencer. But the bi-cycle is spelled. It’s spelled just like bicycle. As a bi person, we kind of go up and down the scale depending on the day or the month of the year. So like, some days I’m more attracted to dudes, some days I’m more attracted to women. And that has been the case as long as I can remember since I was a child even when I didn’t have the vocabulary for it.
MP: So many people, like Ty was saying, they love the binary, they love the box, they want to fit you in immediately. And this idea that things could be fluid all the time is just so difficult for most folks, regardless of straight or gay, to understand.
MK: As a historian, I always come back to, “absolutely, that is true of an experience that you have had.” And also, culturally, I’m Japanese, I’m Okinawan. We were being queer way before anyone came over to any other place and did colonizing. And so I think it’s also naming that. Why do we feel this intense pressure as of late to be with one other person and to have a certain kind of person that you’re for the rest of your life gonna go after? And it’s a lot of the messaging that we have had over our lifetime. And I think that that is something important too, is that we have all these beautiful rom-com movie love stories where you find your one true love, you have your one kind of person that is meant for you. One, one one. And I think bisexuality kind of moves against that.
SM: Have you guys encountered dating to be difficult sometimes where people will, you know, create ideas as though “you’re going to cheat on me because you’re interested in everyone.” Does that ever happen?
MF: It happens to me more with men, that the other queer men will look at me and be like, “but you’re just gonna go run off with your wife. I’m a play toy.” But it’s always one of those of infidelity, like, “oh, no, you’re you’re not with me.” Where girls tend to be like “so you’re gonna buy me roses, you’re going to put bubble bath mix in the bath for me, you’re gonna do the dishes? I want that. Date me.”
SM: I’d be remiss not to ask about the current political climate in the U.S. right now. And we hear so much about Trump’s attacks on the LGBTQ community, but there’s rarely talk about Trump’s attacks on the bisexual community or his perspectives on the Bisexual community. I want to know what your guys’ thoughts are specifically as part of the bisexual community and the administration, specifically on the B of the LGBTQ.
JO: In general, I don’t think we exist to him. He lumps us in with everybody else, with all the other groups he hates.
TB: Most people think of me as a straight man when they first meet me. And so I am in that position where, and I acknowledge that there is privilege to this in that, because I present very straight cishet, I kind of don’t have to deal with any of the attacks from what the administration is doing or anything else like that. But there’s also a lot of guilt associated with that, because I feel terrible about some of the things that have been happening and I’ve seen happen to some of my neighbors and some people that I know in real life. And so I seek to be as supportive as I can outwardly. And that’s one of the struggles of being bi, is that because a lot of people just view me as straight, they’re put off if I’m speaking toward the injustices that are going on, not just towards queer folk, but toward BIPOC folk, toward immigrants, toward anybody. And they’re just like, “why do you care about this?” I’m like, “because they’re people, we’re all people. People deserve to have human rights. This is important.” But there are folks like us where we could potentially go back in the closet, so to speak, if we needed to feel that way to protect ourselves. I don’t want to do that.
SM: Obviously, bi erasure is a real thing. Biphobia is a real thing. What do you think we can do societally to decrease this, to make things a bit better?
MF: I remember reading a paper about bisexuality actually being the standard sexuality back in the 20s. And the reason that the phobia even began is because of the oppressive religious politics. And so we might be able to see less of it in the future or less biphobia in the future if we get regressive religious politics out of the picture.
PH: I am very, very candid about my bisexuality, and as a person who was very prominent in the small community where I lived, as a schoolteacher, as a person who checks some obvious bi boxes, I try to be the physical manifestation, the physical representation of what a bi person can be, what a bi person can look like, what a bi person can can do. And that’s just how I move about in the world. That’s how I try to bring about some modicum of change as one person.
SM: How about Society? Like what can society do?
JO: I said earlier, I don’t know if anybody heard me, break the binary. The reality is we are a gray area species. We very rarely have an intrinsic draw towards a binary concept. And so this enforcement of binary norms is just a breakage and against the natural order. That’s one of the reasons it causes so much conflict internally for people that are bisexual or struggling with identity or things like that. The distress internally is, “oh my god, I’m breaking these expectations,” when in reality they’re going along with the natural order for themselves and then everybody on the outside is pressuring them to follow this ridiculous concept of you must fit the box. And yeah, so breaking the binary is really the first core step to actually fixing a lot of these problems.
MP: I think the biggest thing is representation. I remember, I thought I was insane because I knew there was gay and I knew there was straight. And I didn’t know that there was a word. I didn’t know there was a word bisexual. I didn’t know bisexual could be a thing until I saw an episode of “My So-Called Life” in November of 1994. And they used the word. Ricky Vasquez said, “maybe I’m bisexual.” And he ended up being gay. But I was like, “there’s a word for that? That’s a thing?” Because I couldn’t reckon. I didn’t know how to reconcile that I liked both. And I never had self loathing. I wasn’t mad. I wasn’t upset. I just thought I was fucking crazy. And hearing the word on television, that was what pulled me out of a pit of depression. And I was able to say “this is what I am.” And I was able to come out to my best friend. And so for me, the representation here, say the word, saying the world is the biggest thing for me, because I remember how much my life changed when I heard that word.
TB: We need to stop telling men how they are not men. A lot of people will say like, “well, this is what a man is, this what a man is,” and then if a man is interested in something or enjoys something or presents a certain way that does not align with someone’s idea of what a man is, they’ll tell you, “well, you’re not a man.” And it kind of gets to that whole issue of toxic masculinity and the patriarchy and everything. There is so much pressure for men especially to fit within this very small box And we need to stop doing that, because that’s what’s going to let people accept that like, “oh no, I do feel this way, it’s okay for me to feel this way because that’s just who I am, and it doesn’t change who I feel that I am. It’s just that’s who I am.” We’ve got to get away from that.
SM: I feel like that’s a perfect place to end on that one. This was really fascinating and so valuable of a conversation. So thank you so much for speaking with me and Uncloseted Media today.
MP: Thank you!
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Thank you for this great conversation!! 🩷💜💙
Thank you so much for having me be part of this, Spencer and Sam.